So I'm here in Nashville for maybe another year. The past year has been about surviving in the midst of grief (I lost my mom a year ago in September). It's been about Sci-Fi TV, including large giant doses of Joss Whedon. It's been about carbs and sweets. It's been about crying and anger and memories and confusion. It's been about long talks and silence and lack of silence and everything. The coming year is all about preparation. I plan to move on to the next chapter of life (wherever that may be) definitely by next fall if not next summer. So I have some time to correct, fix and improve certain aspects of myself and my situation so that I'm more able to take advantage of opportunities. Chance favors the prepared and all of that.
So dating is one of the areas I'm focusing on. Why am I dating when I plan to leave town? I am not looking for my life partner. But I don't want to spend the next year living like a spinster. I have always been self-conscious and ill at ease around guys, at least since I began to like them. And I never really learned how to date. I can flirt but only when I feel there is no way things can progress to actual dating. I didn't date in high school. I went out a couple times in college, but nothing really happened. In fact until I was deep into my thirties, the best way to NEVER SEE A GUY AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE was to make-out with him. Now that I think of it, the trend continues. There were a couple guys several years ago that I did kiss more than once and see after romantic occasions had occurred. But then circumstances progressed to the point that those people are no longer in my life. Obviously, I don't know what I'm doing. Although I have been told I am a good kisser. Who knows.
So anyway, back to present tense. I looked at my life a few weeks ago and realized there is no avenue to meet single men in my life except to go back online. I have done the online dating thing several times over my adult single life. It's all kind of been terrible. I've gotten some great stories out of it, but no relationships. Probably mostly I tend to go for free dating websites and as the saying goes, you get what you pay for. This time around has been no exception. I've been on two dates. Different lead-up, different types, same result.
But I'm committed to not freaking out about the very small pool of eligible men in Nashville and the even smaller subset of men that would actually be potential for actual romance of the butterflies and fireworks variety. I'm not going to get frustrated and decide I'd rather eat Nutella straight from the jar while wearing sweatpants and solving Swedish TV crimes on Netflix rather than stressing through sushi with someone who makes racist remarks and doesn't bother to tip.
Stories to come.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Dudes
This past weekend there was a welcome influx of testosterone in my life. There is so little of it in the form of viable men that I had to try several times just now to spell "testosterone" with all it's letters. My daily life consists of people I'm related to, women at work and my gay best friends. I've never had much dating game, but what little I possessed has atrophied through lack of use.
So I went to a professional hockey game. The Nashville Predators. Through my work, I got amazing seats six rows behind the glass. While I haven't conducted a scientific study, I'm sure our players are the most attractive in the NHL. And every time they slammed their tall hunky bodies against the glass or got in a fight, I was fucking turned on. Greatest three hours, ever. Until the following night. When I went out to hear Frightened Rabbit, a Scottish rock band that I like, play a local venue. Such a great show. And by god, they were bearded and tall and handsome and unf. There were also lots of tall burly men in the packed audience that were forced to squeeze up behind me. By the time I got to last night and a Bradley Cooper movie, all gorgeous and movie screen large, well it basically was me slamming myself up against a glass barrier. Want! Can't have.
Look, I'm of a certain age where my sex drive is kicking into high gear. I get that. I mean, boy do I get that. But it's not JUST that. I moved to Nashville from LA where everyone is young and single, whether they are or not. In Nashville, few people are still single at 30. Fewer still at 35. At 35+, it's all married people and their kids that fill your life. I'm also at a certain age when the unasked question is "What's wrong with you that you are still single?". I thought Bridget Jones Diary was a little heavy with all the perceived Single-hating. But I guess I just had to be 38 and here. It's not hate, it's just rampant insecurity mirrored in other people's eyes.
I have loved my life. I lived in LA for ten years and wouldn't trade them for the world. I would not have done that if I had met a Bubba in college and married him. After that, I moved to Brazil for six months and there's a good good chance I would not have done that if I had settled down with a tanned cap-toothed actor. I got to be here with my mom for her last year of life and spend nearly every day with her during the final six months. I don't think I could have done that if I had had my own family needing my attention. Hopefully, hopefully, before the end of the year, I'm headed to international lands and waters. Which won't happen if I find an older Bubba here in Music City. I'd be vehemently unwilling to give up any of those to be someone's wife or someone's mom. But I really really really want to be someone's someone.
Recently, a co-worker in my office lost her husband of 29 years to cancer. She mentioned how she was so overwhelmed with parking downtown that she ended up paying a huge amount for an evening at a work event. "I knew it was more expensive," she said, "but I didn't want to walk on my own. I've never walked on my own downtown before." She met the love of her life in college, had two great kids and built a great life with her best friend. Some people's lives are like that. Mine has not been and because of that, not only can I handle downtown parking, but also three days in Rio traveling alone without a knowing a soul. I don't think I got the short end of the stick. But I don't think I've got the long end either.
I know I'm wired differently. I don't long to put down roots. And I love kids, I just don't want to be a mom.
But I do want a partner. I want some smelly man in my life who complicates things and makes me think and thinks I'm brilliant and funny and gorgeous first thing in the morning. Someone who I find hysterical and smart and just think is the best man in the world who also drives me crazy. I want my world and my bed rocked by some burly hairy beast who cares about whether I'm having a good time or not. I used to think this was my inevitable destiny. A right bequeathed to me by the simple fact that it's what I want. Now I'm worried that it might be too much to hope for. I'm too fatigued and frightened to dare believe in the one or soul mates. Although I've seen it happen to others. I've seen soul mates. I know they exist.
This is my road and in more ways than the obvious, it's what I've chosen. Through picking adventure and travel over stability. By picking comfortable but insecure hoodies and jeans over dresses and curled hair. By choosing Oreos over daily runs and hiding behind too many extra pounds. By being terrified of what happens if a guy actually likes me and decimated when he doesn't. It's issues and choices and timing. And I have no idea how to make it stop. Or how to make it start. And I'm scared I missed that window provided me by youth. I'm scared that I might never find him. Or them. And I'm goddamn mad that this is so much harder for me than it is for other people.
So I went to a professional hockey game. The Nashville Predators. Through my work, I got amazing seats six rows behind the glass. While I haven't conducted a scientific study, I'm sure our players are the most attractive in the NHL. And every time they slammed their tall hunky bodies against the glass or got in a fight, I was fucking turned on. Greatest three hours, ever. Until the following night. When I went out to hear Frightened Rabbit, a Scottish rock band that I like, play a local venue. Such a great show. And by god, they were bearded and tall and handsome and unf. There were also lots of tall burly men in the packed audience that were forced to squeeze up behind me. By the time I got to last night and a Bradley Cooper movie, all gorgeous and movie screen large, well it basically was me slamming myself up against a glass barrier. Want! Can't have.
Look, I'm of a certain age where my sex drive is kicking into high gear. I get that. I mean, boy do I get that. But it's not JUST that. I moved to Nashville from LA where everyone is young and single, whether they are or not. In Nashville, few people are still single at 30. Fewer still at 35. At 35+, it's all married people and their kids that fill your life. I'm also at a certain age when the unasked question is "What's wrong with you that you are still single?". I thought Bridget Jones Diary was a little heavy with all the perceived Single-hating. But I guess I just had to be 38 and here. It's not hate, it's just rampant insecurity mirrored in other people's eyes.
I have loved my life. I lived in LA for ten years and wouldn't trade them for the world. I would not have done that if I had met a Bubba in college and married him. After that, I moved to Brazil for six months and there's a good good chance I would not have done that if I had settled down with a tanned cap-toothed actor. I got to be here with my mom for her last year of life and spend nearly every day with her during the final six months. I don't think I could have done that if I had had my own family needing my attention. Hopefully, hopefully, before the end of the year, I'm headed to international lands and waters. Which won't happen if I find an older Bubba here in Music City. I'd be vehemently unwilling to give up any of those to be someone's wife or someone's mom. But I really really really want to be someone's someone.
Recently, a co-worker in my office lost her husband of 29 years to cancer. She mentioned how she was so overwhelmed with parking downtown that she ended up paying a huge amount for an evening at a work event. "I knew it was more expensive," she said, "but I didn't want to walk on my own. I've never walked on my own downtown before." She met the love of her life in college, had two great kids and built a great life with her best friend. Some people's lives are like that. Mine has not been and because of that, not only can I handle downtown parking, but also three days in Rio traveling alone without a knowing a soul. I don't think I got the short end of the stick. But I don't think I've got the long end either.
I know I'm wired differently. I don't long to put down roots. And I love kids, I just don't want to be a mom.
But I do want a partner. I want some smelly man in my life who complicates things and makes me think and thinks I'm brilliant and funny and gorgeous first thing in the morning. Someone who I find hysterical and smart and just think is the best man in the world who also drives me crazy. I want my world and my bed rocked by some burly hairy beast who cares about whether I'm having a good time or not. I used to think this was my inevitable destiny. A right bequeathed to me by the simple fact that it's what I want. Now I'm worried that it might be too much to hope for. I'm too fatigued and frightened to dare believe in the one or soul mates. Although I've seen it happen to others. I've seen soul mates. I know they exist.
This is my road and in more ways than the obvious, it's what I've chosen. Through picking adventure and travel over stability. By picking comfortable but insecure hoodies and jeans over dresses and curled hair. By choosing Oreos over daily runs and hiding behind too many extra pounds. By being terrified of what happens if a guy actually likes me and decimated when he doesn't. It's issues and choices and timing. And I have no idea how to make it stop. Or how to make it start. And I'm scared I missed that window provided me by youth. I'm scared that I might never find him. Or them. And I'm goddamn mad that this is so much harder for me than it is for other people.
"The Woodpile" by Frightened Rabbit
Why the new Blog? What's it all about?
I have a more permanent blog, I guess you would call it, at corrieroad.blogspot.com. There, I've written about travel, living in a foreign country, reentry, the illness and death of my mother and some of the aftermath. I've included a few short works of fiction on there as well. At least, I would imagine scripted conversations with a friends' cat would be fiction. So why do I need a new one??
Everyone I know reads it. During my mother's passing it was the best way to communicate updates as well as process what was happening. But that means that everyone who knows me or knew my mother (just about) follows my blog. It's difficult to be honest about things I want to be writing about knowing people at work will read it or my aunt will read it, or my mother's pastor. I'd rather write for myself and if strangers happen to run across it, so be it.
I work as an Assistant for a large Medical Center/University Institution. The whole operation employs thirty thousand people. The Institution is very large and I have a very lowly position. Which is ok. It was what I needed when I moved back to Nashville and was primarily concerned with helping take care of my mom. Now I'm primarily concerned with getting out of Tennessee and in fact, out of the US. But that's a different post.
I literally work in a gray cubicle. I don't hate it, but it is quite fitting for my life. It's staid, boring, small simple. These are not bad things. If someone wants the quiet simple life, that's fine. It's never been what I wanted. I'm not into putting roots down right now and I'm not into spreadsheets and I'm not into meetings on budgets or quarterly progress on development goals or commuting or gym memberships or donuts for breakfast. But it's my life right now. Again, it's right that I'm here, but it's for a season, to use some kind of spiritual speak. It's a specific time and that window is slowly closing. Until then, I plan to hate on it. Basically I'm probably going to complain a lot. And then try to work through the complaints. I post music and YouTube clips. I'm all about dudes with accents. Right now I seem to be all about dudes in general, but that's another post.
Everyone I know reads it. During my mother's passing it was the best way to communicate updates as well as process what was happening. But that means that everyone who knows me or knew my mother (just about) follows my blog. It's difficult to be honest about things I want to be writing about knowing people at work will read it or my aunt will read it, or my mother's pastor. I'd rather write for myself and if strangers happen to run across it, so be it.
I work as an Assistant for a large Medical Center/University Institution. The whole operation employs thirty thousand people. The Institution is very large and I have a very lowly position. Which is ok. It was what I needed when I moved back to Nashville and was primarily concerned with helping take care of my mom. Now I'm primarily concerned with getting out of Tennessee and in fact, out of the US. But that's a different post.
I literally work in a gray cubicle. I don't hate it, but it is quite fitting for my life. It's staid, boring, small simple. These are not bad things. If someone wants the quiet simple life, that's fine. It's never been what I wanted. I'm not into putting roots down right now and I'm not into spreadsheets and I'm not into meetings on budgets or quarterly progress on development goals or commuting or gym memberships or donuts for breakfast. But it's my life right now. Again, it's right that I'm here, but it's for a season, to use some kind of spiritual speak. It's a specific time and that window is slowly closing. Until then, I plan to hate on it. Basically I'm probably going to complain a lot. And then try to work through the complaints. I post music and YouTube clips. I'm all about dudes with accents. Right now I seem to be all about dudes in general, but that's another post.
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